Preface: Now, I said I wasn't going to write about the divorce, but I need advice, so I'm going to have to write about it.
I'm a huge fan of the Golden Girls, and right now, Blanche is really the only person who has ever been able to describe how I feel. I feel magenta. Blanche used the term to describe when she felt a lot of different emotions at once. And boy am I feeling lots of different emotions. And quite frankly, it's starting to get the best of me.
When I was going through the divorce everyone told me I would go through the grieving stages. I expected the sadness and I expected the anger. Heck, anger was all that bouyed me onward at some points during the divorce process. But what I wasn't anticpating was the guilt or the panic.
Let's start with the guilt. The best way that I can describe the guilt I'm feeling is to call it survivors guilt. It's like I was driving the divorce and killed the marriage, and now I feel guilty for moving on with my life. And yes, I am already moving on. I am dating, as I should be, because I was basically alone for the majority of my marriage. I was tired of being alone way before I ever filed for divorce. But it's like I feel guilty for being happy. For instance, I went out a couple of weekends ago (which I will blog about as soon as I get the pictures on my computer). I went with a new fella. And several times during the trip I was just overcome with guilt for being out on a trip with someone and for having a good time. I don't really give a hill of beans if my ex is dating. I actually hope he is. But that doesn't make me feel any less guilty. I almost feel like I'm cheating. Which makes no sense, because I'm not married anymore. But it's still hard. The guilt comes and goes a lot easier than the panic though.
The panic really is the worst. Things will be going along perfectly fine and then all of a sudden I am gripped by panic. My heart beats too fast. I get extremely nauseated. I just don't know what to do exactly. I wouldn't call it a panic attack that needs medical treatment. It's basically when fear tells me that no matter where I go or who I date, that things are just going to be just like they where. For instance, the guy that I'm seeing just kind of nonchalantly mentioned that he most identifies with Catholicism. Fear basically gripped my heart and said "hey, don't forget, you were married to a Catholic for six years who believed sex was for procreation only and was dirty and selfish otherwise". See, it's not even rational fear like the fear of heights or snakes. It's like my mind just doesn't want me to be happy. And really, I hate it. But, I can't make it stop. And the worst part is that the panic makes me want to run away from ever being in another relationship. Like maybe I should just be a spinster and just be on my own the rest of my life. Because that is safe. And if I am safe, I won't get hurt. Because I'm tired of being hurt. And I'd lot rather be alone the rest of my life than hurt like I did for the past six years ever again.
See, it doesn't make sense to me. And I'm already in therapy. But my therapist hasn't been through a divorce. She doesn't know what it feels like. So, friends, help me.
